In the iTunes store, there now sit apps that tell you what strangers to bang, which friends to bang, and when to bang. I suppose there now needs to be one that tells you how you bang. Meet Spreadsheets.
Spreadsheets (oh! I get it now!) launched in the Apple store August 1. It costs $1.99 for the month of August, $2.99 anytime after.
What the app does is simple in concept and somewhat complex in practice: It literally quantifies how good you are at sex. You place your iPhone on a “bed, in the car, on the couch, in your pocket, on a trampoline, in a hammock (both traditional and banana), at the club, at your in-laws, in a tent, etc.” and the app will count the number of your thrusts, the pitch of your partner’s, uh, scream, and how long your performance lasts. Then, it’ll spit out data that says you were responsible for, say, 110 “thrusts per minute,” or a record-setting 18-minute session. If you use Spreadsheets regularly, you’re given achievements. You can show these achievements off to your friends. Your friends will either high-five you or not speak to you for a while.
The makers promise that Spreadsheets doesn’t record playback audio or video, but, as BetaBeat points out, we’ve all been burned by certain unnamed apps before. So, who knows. Personally, I’m super apprehensive about it all—yet undeniably intrigued.
Also, I think they might have hired James Deen to make this sample picture: